The Invisible Shrinking Man

Being 'Sensitive'

Oh , How I Wish I were not so F---ing Sensitive !

Not that I'd ever want to be loudly , brashly , boorishly insensitive , even though I'd doubtless be far more attractive to women in general if I was .

Although this doesn't happen every day or every week , I not infrequently pick up on sometimes quite subtle differences in people's responses to me , and draw unfavourable to myself conclusions . Not that I'm necessarily always wrong .  

I'm intuitive and empathic , and consequently not self-obsessed by any means , and yet I at times can't help but feel tormented by intense , soul-searing feelings of being cruelly misunderstood , rejected , persecuted , hated . . 

And yet I know that people irritating each other is part of life , and that most irritations are soon forgotten and forgiven .

I'm more confident and resilient than I was , and yet , due to my accursed sensitivity/social shyness , I have the disadvantage of trying to restart myself from the base of having , to be honest , no real , or certainly no close friends , and too much time to dwell upon things .

So I should at least be doing some voluntary work . As I am . Any yet , worrying now , probably quite unnecessarily , and yet the element of doubt continuing to unsettle me , though I know that , when I temporarily become preoccupied with something like this , I very usually discover that it's all , or nearly all been imaginary . And that , even if I have irritated someone , misunderstanding or not : I get irritated too , but so long as it's no more than that , and not happening frequently , I just rise above and ignore it . As I think do most people , most of the time .

I can try to postulate psychological theories re. what made me as I am , but I don't want to . I'm possibly at my best when selflessly doing things for others , and knowing it's appreciated .

And , despite some button-pressing errors , and my generally finding it hard to relax , I've actually had lots of positive comments and feedback re. my dabbling in voluntary , amateur radio-presenting , as I've been doing , at least once a week , for three months .

But unfortunately I'm inclined to mentally accentuate the negative at the expense of the positive .However I feel I'm on the brink of breaking through an invisible barrier , so far as my amateur broadcating is concerned : It may take a few weeks yet , but ( so long as my darkest fears aren't true ) , I will get there .