13/6/2008 - April 1986

Fuzz is in the Wally Herald under the headline "Butcher Knifed His Mum in Bedroom Brawl."

*

Get collered by Ian A on the number 5 bus and he spemds 50 minutes bragging about his sex life.

I get home to find mum hysterical as she has had a fist fight with granddad after he gobbed in Keymarket.  I send them both to their room and wait for dad to come home.

*

Go for a relaxing drink and I'm confronted by a pissed up Case who says I'm not fit to be player manager of the footy team and demands I resign.  He may have a point so there's only one thing for it.  Drop Case.

*

There's fun and frolics on A division as Chris H and Babs have a stand up yelling match whilst Fluxie, in his unique management style, does nothing. 

Chris spends the whole afternoon in with new manager Pete H exchanging opinions of how A division could be improved.  At school we'd call it 'telling.'

*

Granddad has taken to shaving in the living room mirror.

*

The Royal Standard are managed by Fulham professional Gary Elkins whilst the Norman Knight are managed by me.  In our last match with them we lost 13-0 so we're pretty pleased about only losing 5-3 today.

After the match we sink to new depths at the pub when Drover offers us the lager tray slops from a bucket and we all dive in.

*

It is a disasterous start to the week as the wonderful Jackie O is off with flu so I'm stuck with Liz and Jo and their belching.

*

Top evening at the pub.  we win our darts and I win Clegg then have a heated row with Drover and Farmer Sheard about the Americans bombing Libya.

*

I am in the wine bar with Prock, Pat and Ruby trying and failing to impress the new barnmaid with our patter.  When we leave the barmaid follows us and says Gee says she has to tell me and Prock that we're not welcome back in his bar.

Prock goes mental and bolts back in the wine bar and tells Gee if he ever sees Prock in the street he should cross the road as Prock will kick his teeth in.  It's very impressive.

*

I wake up  naked on the bathroom floor with a towel over me and wonder what I'm trying to achieve in life. 

The folks cart me off to Purley to choose a bedroom in the new house they're buying.  I don't want to move to Purley.

In the Head tonight Pat passes on a message from Gee that we're not barred and it was a misunderstanding.  Obviously Prockie's charm worked.

*

The darts league reaches a conclusion with us getting thrashed 7-1 by the Star at East Ilsley.  No one gives a monkey's arse as we are having a great time getting legless on 6X and singing the Chicken Song.

*

Wally Utd beat Binfield 3-0 ands we have clinched promotion.

13/6/2008 - March 1986

Spend a riotous night out in Cholsey with Perce, Prock, Chrissie, Fuzz , Spackers, Johnny G, Dave & Sue S. 

Hang around the Red Lion at closing hoping for "afters" but Prockie puts pay to these aspiorations when he tells the landlady she looks like Miss Piggy.

*

I have won my first game of Clegg of trhe year and I'm 63p better off as a result.

*

Mike's wife Sandy on I division is pregnant.  Mike is evens favourite to be its father with Dave in at 5 to 1.

*

Jas has got his P3 so I should have his P2 but they give it to some freckly girl from M division so I have a right sulk but no one notices and for some reason John gives me a lecture on the debasement of the English language.

*

Dopey Denise is moving to A division and we're getting freckly Helen who robbed me of my P2.  We have a move round and I'm now sitting with Jackie and Jo.  I'm in tit heaven!

*

Mum and dad have a row because he has forgotten their anniversary. She sobs it's the first time he's forgotten it in thirty years and the mood becomes sullen until granddad breaks into a rendition of "We've been together now for thirty years...."

*

Get very pissed in town and decide to gatecrash a party at the Masonic Hall and I agree to be wheeled there in a Waitrose trolley.  We get as far as the slope next to KP when Perce and Prock decide it would be more fun to hurl me down there instead. 

I have now scraped all the skin off my knuckles.

*

I aim a paper dart at Mike but it misses badly.  I recieve a lecture from John about the faultiness of my anhedrals and dihedrals.

*

At darts I win my match plus get the highest score of the night with 140 which means both teams have to give me 10p each.  I also win £2 on the raffle and clean up at Clegg so that total winnings for the night are £5.

*

The boys are out in force tonight and we get very drunk in town before gate crashing another do at the Masonic Hall.  I must be drunker than I thought because I end up with Case's missus, Lynn.

*

Mr Barren is retireing so mafter work there are drinks and nibbles in the canteen and our boss-man Reggie B gives a speech that John guffaws at like it was Ben Elton up there.

*

Tonight is trhe Wally Utd disco.  Case says he wants to get off with Lucy W so palms his Lynn off with me but when the slowies come on I sneak off and dance with the other Lynne (Lynne M) who is prettier.  Her and her Geoff have had a row which should be a good thing but she's all miserable about it and no fun at all.

So I end up dancing with Perce to New York New York.

*

I am queueing in Knights to buy Easter eggs for the kids and the woman in front insists on her small child paying for his egg so she gives him the money which he chucks on the floor and tries to eat the egg.  This would be very funny if it wasn't during my half hour lunch break.

*

The boys go to Rivers for the Thursday disco and before long Joff asks me to dance with his girlfriend, Patsy. I keep getting lumbered with other peoples partners though I want to be lumbered with Julie W and manage to grab her for the slowies.  We're dancing very close when she points out her hubby, Andy,  is glaring at us furiously. (I once had a snogging session with Julie after her, Lynne M and Perce had played strip brag at my house.  I think he might suspect.)

I really fancy Julie and she obviously does me but Andy has a face like Mr Punch and is a milkman so what chance do I have? 

(They also have a baby.)

*

Have the traditional Good Friday lunchtime session at the Knight and it has become clear that Dave A and Sue S are having an affair and don't mind flaunting it under Davie S's nose.

At six PM I get a phone call from Fuzz who has been arrested.  His best mate, Phil, lives over the road so he asks me to fetch him and rush him to Didcot police station.

*

It turns out that after getting pissed up, on Thursday Fuzz burst into his mum's bedroom and threatend her boyfriend with a knife. His mum tried to grab it and cut her hand open.

He's been released so joins us for a beer but has to leave early as his court order saqys he has to be in his hostel by 11.

*

Go to the Kings Head on Easter Day where Clint cheerfully tells us he attempted suicide last night.  Prock asks if he suceeded.

*

13/6/2008 - February 1986

Nan has fallen ill so mum and dasd rush to Rayleigh to be by her side.

I'm left to fend for myself so I have  Marks & Spencer Indian Style Chicken Breasts which look great on the packet but taste like shit.

*

Nan has a massive stroke and dies.

I go to Rob and Sarah's for chilli con carne then over the ABM social club then back to robs for cheese sandwiches and to watch Errol Bomber Graham take the European middle weight title.

*

I have been reinstated into the darts team and repay the faith by scoring a 140 though with my next throw I get 7 and go on to lose.

*

We gather in Southend crematorium for nan's funeral though I don't think granddad knows what's going on because when mum sobs he keeps asking her what's wrong.

Back at the house granddad adopts Fred's jacket and loses the car keys which turn up on his dressing table.  Because he can't look after himself granddad is coming to live with us and I think life will never be the same again.

*

Granddad's room has sliding doors but he doesn't realise this so he rattles them furiously as he tries to escape at 6 AM this morning.

*

I am passing the time spinning a 5p on my desk when John joins me and explains if the 5p were a Venetion Ducat then this is the process that prompted Galileo to discover the rules concerning the precision of the Equinox.  It seems I can't be bored in peace.

*

The two Jackies have been given P2 promotions and Jim and me haven't so we spend the afternoon in a sulk and reading job ads in the Evening Post.

It is later announced Babs is moving to A division and I'm getting Jackie O as my P2 so  I stop looking in the job ads because Jackie O is gorgeous.

*

Perce, Prock, Fuzz., Symsie and me attend the Valentines disco at the Plough but for a Valentine's disco there is an alarming shortage of girls.  Fortunately Lynne M is pissed up and her Geoff is in  The Alps so we take turns dancing with her.

*

I have to baby sit granddad as mum and dad have gone out for a meal.  He spends the whole evening looking for the Bingo numbers in the Daily Telegraph so he's no trouble.

*

Perce and I take on a pair of Premier division players in the Oxfordshire darts pairs and against all odds we win and are through to mthe last 32.

*

I liked Babs but Jackie O is a breath of fresh air.  She is always smiley and has a figure like Marilyn
Monroe.

*

This is hilarious; Dopey Denise thought bher husband had bought her a video recorder for her birthday but it turns out he has bought her the first two months rental for it.

*

Our darts match against Didcot Power Station is down to the last leg of the last game and I just need 32 to win as a deathly hush descends.  I chuck the dart and it pierces into the double sixteen, the crowd go wild and I'm the hero!

*

Mum, dad and granddad have gone back to Rayleigh to tidy up so I have the perfect Friday night in.  A few cans of lager, a packet of Hamlet and the first in the new series of Auf Weidersein Pet.

*

Prock has injured his back playing cards and the rest of us take the piss by throwing coins at his feet.  Ever rescurceful, Prock sticks his chewing gum on the end of a pool queue and collects the money thus.

Later in The Head there is a fight between Frankie T and one of Chrissie B's RAF pals which is as frightening as an Enid Blyton novel.

*

Have Sunday lunch at Rob and Sarah's and young Nicky prefers to eat her own bogeys.  It's good they encourage her to eat her greens.

*

I am sat at work happily dreaming about Jackie's breasts when a slanging match erupts between Liz and John.  Liz says it's no surprise everyone wants to leave his section and John responds that he wishes she would so Liz bursts into tears.

What a laugh.

*

Every day granddad asks where I work and what I do and now he keeps asking me where Else, (nan) is.

*

12/6/2008 - January 1986

I have a blurry recollectio n of the extraordinary events of the New Years Eve party at The Knight. There were two pretty girls at the pub who I tried, (and failed) to win over with my drunken charm and I think Prockie thumped Chrissy B and I may have snogged Sarah.

I can't believe there were pretty girls in The Knight!

Go to Robs for a New Year drink and he is speaking to me so evidently I'm forgiven.

*

Prock and me start the evening with a game of pool versus Case and Atom in the Kings Head then move to the Green Tree where we chat to Case's missus Lynn and her tasty Aussie mate Kim.

Prock reckons Kim fancies me and says I'm mental for mnot trying to get in her knickers.

Lose 26p to Pete B at Clegg.

*

Perce, Prock, Chrissie B and me are attempting a new record for drinking Holsten Pils in one night and start at the Cross Keys.  The talking point in the Head is Charlie Broiwn's impressive black eye courtesy of Tat on New Years Eve.  We tactfully don't mention Chrissie's similar fate to Prockie's fisticuffs.)

*

The Norman Knight FC hit a new low after 50 minutes of our friendly with Team Pencil.  They are trouncing us 7-0 when their manager, Brian Rusher, demands we swap goalies to give his fella some practice.  Bloody cheek.

*

We have run out of work at work  so I find myself playing games with Becky, Jim and Jackie.  John disapproves and gives us a lecture on ther fire drill to pass the time.

*

As player-manager of The Norman Knight I am alarmed to see my star midfielders Case and Atom on the front page odf the Wally Herald, up for drunk and disorderly charges.  Now I know how Sir Matt felt with Bestie.

*

Our darts team record a 5-3 victory over Didcot Marlborough club though for all the use I am I may as well stayed home and watched Eastenders.  I only go for the grub which tonight is hot roastie spuds. Yum yum.

*

Wally Utd are second in the Reading Chronicle Reading & District league and today we beat third placed Earlebourne 4-3.

*

Go to Rob & Sarah's for Sunday lunch and I'm attacked by Nicky as soon as I walk in.  I push her back onto the sofa and she does a back flip and lets out a loud fart.  This is very funny.

*

At work I'm sat with Babs and Dopey Denise.  Babs is okay except when her Bry stays out till 3 AM and she vents her anger to mankind on me.

Denise is plain dim and has spent two weeks telling us about a caravan her and her hubby are buying but have now reached the realisation that they have nowhere to put it.

*

I have been dropped from the darts team andI have taken the decision like a man, though I may now drop Johnny G from the footy team in revenge.   So I stay in and watch Question of Sport and geuss the mystery geust as Kirk Stevens though it turns out to be Norman Whiteside.

*

Becky has split up with her Shaun so we take her down the pub to cheer her up.  Although a bit chubby Becky is very pretty and I might start fancying her now she is single.

*

The new barmaid at The Dolphin is gorgeous.

*

The cream of Wallingford society jump into overloaded taxis and head to the White Hart in Benson for Boney's engagement.  Caistor has the hump with Lynn as he doesn't like her mate who has got off with Atom and has hair like a crash helmet.  There is no sign of Kim the Australian so I assume she's gone back to Australia.

*

I wake up Sunday morning to a hefty thud thud from downstairs.  Go to investigate and discover the parents doing a Jane Fonda work out video.

*

I've booked a Summer holiday in Tunisia with Perce, Prock, Melve and Spackers.  When I cheerfully tell my workmates I am treated to a lecture from John about diseases of North Africa.

*

Unquestionably the most exciting day of my working life so far.  After three and a half years dispensing white cups the drinks machine has suddenly, without warning, produced beige cups. 

Before the excitement has a chance to die down we are, without explanation, issued with green pens.

Dopey Denise has an imaginary friend she calla George.

*

Becky has told me she thinks I'm lovely so why don't I ask her out?  I don't know.  Actually I do. I'm worried she might not mean it and might be taking the piss and although I know I should at least find out I am terrified of being rejected.

*

Fuzz is back on the scene. Fuzz is a great lad but can't hold his drink and after five Holsten Pils into our Cholsey pub crawl he is chucking up in the Chequers lav.  Two Pils later he's doing the same in the Red Lion.

*

There is heated debate at the pub on Sunday lunchtime over plans to b uild the Channel Tunnel (or Chunnel)  It seems no one wants it except Thatcher. They could model it on her gob.

*

Liz and Babs have different ideas how the share system should work.  John selects Babs method so Liz bursts into tears.  Being the man of his conviction that he is John instantly changes to Liz'z way.

*

Liz and cathy aren't talking to Babs and Babs isn't talking to Liz and Cathy. Dopey Denise isn't talking to Liz and Cathy but only when Babs is about.  Mike and I declare ourselves neutral but no one gives a shit.

*

Thye atomosphere on our section is extremely frosty though working with these girls does have advantages.  Young Jo has the most fantastic tits you could hope to see, (and I do hope to see!)

*

Melve joins Perce, Prock and me for wight training.  He does a fraction of our weights and then throws up.

12/6/2008 - August 1984

We touch down in Gerona airport, collect our bags and Perce and me set off in search of the bar.  Then we sit and wait three hours for Liz who is sharing a cab with us to Lloret de Mar.

We make it to Llort de Mar bus terminal and we're having a quiet beer when a loud squeal is heard and a mad blonde girl hurls herself at Liz and me.  "Hi Mandy," we say.

Mandy says she has been drunk for three months though asit's my first time abroad I'm slightly fazed to see policeman carrying guns and I'm wondering who are these blokes that Mandy has gotr to carry our cases.

We reach our pension and Mandy goes in search of Chris who owns the place so I sit on the pavement outside when Mandy's charming mate Alison pops her head over the balcony.  "Is that fatty James?" she says and tries to see if she can spit on me from up there.

Mandy can't find Chris so she says we should try the Cutty Sark. We leave our bags and follow her and the gang of lads she's with.  They buuy jugs of champange sangria which we drink and Chris appears, takes 6,000 pesetas off us and shows us to our room.

After a sleep we go for a wander and latch on to some scouse lads who have been in trouble with the police for riding on car bonnets. After a few beers we are all defiant and march past the Policia yelling "Ingerland Ingerland!"  I am at the back of the group and get whacked on the arse with a truncheon.

*

Although Perce has vomitted in his bed and surrounding walls and is moaning about the state of his guts, he still manages to join me on the beach.  We see Liz and Mandy and they are both topless and I can't believe I am sat there watching Mandy's tits after all this time.  I can't think of words to give poetic justice to this moment though Perce says she has nipples like Scammel wheel nuts.

*

We usually get drunk in the local bodegas where beer is cheap and sometimes we go to the Texas bar where Mandy works, selling tacky badges with filthy slogans to pissed up Brits.

I wonder if I expected that me coming to Spain to see Mandy would result in blossoming romance as I think I'vbe always believed one day we would get together.  Watching her here, playing the crowd and putting up with the gropers and the letches so she can sell them her badges makes me realise I live in  a world a million miles away.  I can't see Mandy wanting to play Clegg at The Knight on Saturday night.

*

We get friendly with some lads from Yorkshire and one of them, Kev, has a Mandy fixation.  He gets beered up and spends all night just watching her, not taking part or joining in but just standing there playing the fantasy in his head.  This has been me for the last three years.

*

We don't see much of Mandy so we let Liz tag along with us for most of the holiday.  One night Perce retires with bad guts and Liz and me get mistaken for a married couple by some West Ham fans which is a worry.

Later we go to a club and Liz and I have a dance to the slowies and Liz strokes my arm and looks all gooey.  I think, fuck me I'm on holiday with Liz and I think she's coming on to me and I could probably sleep with her.  But I don't want to because I don't really fancy her and I thought fancying someone was the point of shagging them. Or maybe I'm very naive.

*

12/6/2008 - April 1984

Perce Prock and me ar in the Knight on Saturday wshen three tarty looking girls pop in on their way to Rivers. The old boys cant take their eyes off their arses but it is down to us three to chat them up.

We nominate Prock to make the first move with a smooth chat up line so I strolls over and says: "What's this then girls, is there a hole in the fence at Betytersea Dogs Home?"

*

We have a friendly againstg Borough Court Hospital which turns in to a bloods bath.  Hammy gets sent off for a punch and I get knocked semi unconciouss.  I can just hearv the scrapping and yelling but above all I hear vBarry yelling, "Stop it lads. Let's all be friends!"

*

Mandy is leaving the Pru to spend the Summer in Spain.

She cant!!

*

We had planned a Norman Knight Easter tour of Holland through the Orangeboom Brewery but in the end no one could be arsed so we go to Southsea instead.

Me Johnny and Perce do a pub crawl up and down the front on Friday and meet the others back at the residants bar at eleven where we drink our chosen shorts, (Melves is ginger wine.)

I take a liking to Ange behind the bar and pretend I share her interest in Chekov.  I say he's my second favourite author behind Agatha Christie.

*

We spend the day on the Isle of White though Melve is terrified of the hovercraft.  We have many beers on the island and Ronnie is hilarious with his Stanley Unwin talk.

Tonight go for an Indian and enjoy Eastern delacacies such as vindaloo, biryani and dupiaza except Melve who has scampiu and chips.

*

Mandy bursts into tears when she arrives on the department and spends the whole of her last day in tears. 

At lunchtime down the pub she gets more emotional as she gets more drunk and by the time it's time for her to go she is hugging everyone and saying, "I can't say goodbye to Jamie."  Eventually she has to and she gives me a massive cuddle and says I'm great and lovely and for me to please look mafter myself for her sake.

I'm gob smacked.  I've worshipped Mandy since I met her but had no idea I meant anything to her.  I just say, "Christ I'm gonna miss you" and in full view of the whole of ther first floor we have a kiss.

*

Everyone's leaving.

Bones has bought a caravan in Hampshire and is going to live in Hampshire.  We go to Rivers for his last night in Wallingford with the boys except Rivers is in Benson and Lesley comes too.

When she goes to the bog Bones admits he's not looking forward to living with her.  He says he brought her some moon boots but she won't fucking go there.

*

We have a few beers at the pub after our 7-4 defeat to Brightwell Red Lion and then Bones taps me on the shoulder and says he's going and I shake his hand ans wish him all the best.

"And then there were two," Perce sighes.

12/6/2008 - March 1984

Mine and Bones's birthdays are either side of the weekend so we decide to go to a "classy" restaurant in Oxford that Laz recommends.  (Lesley comes too... bah!  She wears a hat that Perce says makes her look like Freddie Parrot Face Davis.)

As usual Laz's recommendation is wrong and the place is like a transport cafe for dstudents AND we have to queue for a table which Laz insists is a sign of class.  Eventually we get a table, order a bottle of "Vin blank" each  and an enjoyable evening is had.

*

The Norman Knight beat the Labour Club 7-2 and we spens most of the second half trying to set Laz up for a goal as it's his last game before he leaves for Cyprus again.

Unfortunately he is so crap that he even manages to blaze a penalty over the bar.

*

Nigel Lawson has scrapped Life Assurance Premium Relief which means we will now be snowed under as everyone tries to take out policies while they can still get it.

Worse still he has added VAT on takeaways!

*

We have arranged a school re-union at Rivers for Laz's going away do and we are expecting me, Perce, Laz, Bones (with bloody Lesley) Rob D, Wellsie, Spice, Simon H, Pete C, Martin B and Geoff W.

By eleven it is just me, Perce, Laz,, Bones (with bloody Lesley) and Rob.  Maybe the others realised Fridays was Jazz Funk night and stayed away. 

 We have a good night anyway but can't dance because the black jazz funkers are far too cool.

*

We have one last surprise party for Laz before he fucks off and we hold it at my brothers.

The whole point of a surprise party is that the guests get there before the person whose surprise it is so when I convince Laz he can't leave without saying goodbye to Rob he looks extremely underwhelmed when my family, Rob D, Bones and bloody bLesley leap up and shout, "Surprise!" half heartedly.

The rest turn up after the pubs shut but Rob abandons the party when the noise wakes his kids up.

As I leave I am alleged to have walked into the wall and asked, "Where's the fucking door gone?"

*

Go out with Laz, Prockie, Symsie and Joff on a pub crawl of Wallingford for Laz's second from last night.

Prockie thinks it's hilarious that I'm the mug who Laz managed to sell his Cortina 1600E to for £400.  He offers me his cigarette lighter for £300.

*

Laz spends his last night in Wallingford playing Clegg up the Knight.  After closing I drivbe him to his sisters in my new car which is his old car.  We shake hands and I wish him all the best and he says, "Be carseful in fourth gear 'cos it sometimes slips out."

And with this touching speech Laz departs.

12/6/2008 - February 1984

We go to Karen B's 21st party at The Masonic Hall.  The party's okay and the beers cheap but no crumpet.  The gatecrashers turn up in the shape of Prockie, Symesie and Joff who claim they were chucked in by the bouncers.

*

Have spent all week jibing Jes that my team, Wally reserves, are going to beat his lot, Ibis reserves so it's embarrassing when they beat us 3-0 and the three goals I let in are scored by Jes.

*

Torville and Dean have won Olympic gold and Charles and Di are having another baby.  Also on the news the mood is darkened by a report on the worsening situation in Lebanon.  Watching this mum lets out a tut but this is only because the news man's tie doesn't match his suit.

*

I go to Rob and Sarah's for Sunday lunch and am impressed with how little Nicky deals with not getting her own way. Instead of having a screaming fit she just wallops Becky over the head with a toy hoover.

*

Wally reserves hit rock bottom in the league with a 5-0 defeat at Pangbourne.  The only highlight is me saving a penalty.

*

Laz needs to sell his car to move to Cyprus but doesn't want to sell his car until he knows he's moving.

*

Mandy bakes me a cake for my birthday which has a casual splodge of icing on it.  She says she started to write my name but lost interest.

12/6/2008 - January 1984

The Wallingford Fun Run is going well for our team until we reach the Red Lion, Brightwell and stop for a quick one.  After a quick few we set off to catch up the others but can't jog past the Knight without popping in. 

I eventually finish the race in 300th place, (mum came 243rd.)

*

Go to Rivers with Laz and Hammy where Laz and I spend all night prancing about on the dancefloor whilst Hammy looks on amused.  When the first two bars of True play all the girls disappear into the arms of blokes and me and Laz are stood there looking ridiculous. 

Re-join Hammy but he's not there because he's dancing with a girl the bastard.

*

Mandy has been reading a book on re-incarnation.  It says if good things happen in your last life then bad things happen in this.  Everyone agrees I must have had a great time in my last life.

*

I drive Laz and me and me to Fingles and we sit next to a table of okay looking girls who are ignoring the blokes trying to chat them up but giggling with me and Laz.  We decide our strategy is to definately ask them for a dance when the slowies come on but their fat mate gets pissed so the others have to take her home.

Laz also gets pissed and keeps calling everyone a "Willleeeeee!!!" so I get him home before we get hit.

*

Dave has attached an elastic band to the inside of Karen's drawer so when she opens it it springs back shut.  He has also executed her toy giraffe and unscrewed her date stamp so it falls to peices when she uses it.  I don't think he likes her.

*

We have a pub crawl of Wally and arrange to meet the others from the Knight at the Taj Mahal where we are treating Perce for his birthday.  No other fucker turns up so Laz and me have to split the cost 50/50.  I have a vindaloo and am incapable of speech after it.

*

I have not shaved for two days as I am going for the rugged look, like Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.  I explain this to Mandy who says one out of three isn't bad.

11/6/2008 - December 1983

Christmas warmth and good spirit is starting to spread around the building but misses A division.  We're the only department with loads of work and Gail has broken off her engagement so is in a foul mood.

*

I am a mechanical genius.  When I lift up the bonnet to see why the engine wont start I work it out immediately.  The battery isn't there.

I look around a bit to see if it's slipped down the side before reaching the conclusion it's been nicked.

*

I play for Wally Utd reserves again  and they win their second game of the season.  Can't be a co-incidence.

Laz drives us around the pubs of Culham and Aston Tirrold and then back to the Indian.  I am drunk and make a fool of myself by karate chopping the poppadoms and calling the waiter Gungadin.  It is very difficult to upset these chaps.

*

We have no match this Sunday so we have a training sessionm instead.  It is a very productive session as Vinkie breaks his collarbone.

*

Overcome with grief at the death of Len Fairclough, I go up the pub.  I only have a couple but am drunk enough to sign up for Bondies team for the Fun Run on January 2nd.

*

Wally Utd win again with me in goal and are off the bottom.  Half way through the first half the ref walks off in a strop and has to be coaxed back.

*

We have our Christmas lunch in the canteen which is crap but afterwards we go down the Horse and Barge and squirt foam spray at each other.

*

Mum and dad are away so when the pubs close we go to my house with armfulls of beer and see who can stay up longest.

Bones and Laz are early fallers but Perce and me last the pace until I nod off in front of Abigails Party T 4 AM.

*

I let in six playing for Wally reserves against Tilehurst.

Tonight we go to the football club do at Brightwell Village Hall and we meet Ashley C from school who gives me and Bones a lift back to Bones's on his moped.  Perce and Laz catch us up and we play cards and polich off a bottle of Cyprus brandy.

*

The whole section go tom The Travellers Rest for our Christmas meal.  It is vey rowdy and great fun and we meet up with the M division crowd.  On the way out myself, Tony and Roger from M division bare our buttocks for a photo.

*

I meet Laz and Warren C at the Horse and Barge  but it is so packed we can't get served so we buy brandy and beer from the off license and return to the H&B.  It is mayhem and I get very pissed and am snogging any girl I can and Bones turns up with a bottle of scotch which I help himn drink and I just get drunker and drunker

Apperently I nearly gety my head kicked in whilse trying to stop a fight and I lose the lads.

I stagger around town with no idea where I am and eventually sit at any bus stop and get on the first bus that comes along.  Remarkably it is the number 5 and the lads are on it.  Laz is chucking up on the back seat and I arrange a fight with some bloke when we get back to Wally. Twice the driver stops the bus and threatens to boot us off but doesn't and by the time we reach Wally I am best friend with the bloke I was going to fight.

*

I have never been more drunk than yesterday but having slept for 16 hours I have no hang over.

Meet Bones at the pub and ask if he has answers as to why there are scratch marks and cigarette burns on my left hand.  He's not sure.

 *

Sally & Frad and Rob & Sarah join us for Christmas Day.  We go to the Cross Keys at lunchtime, have dinner, get pissed and play party games at night.

*

Mandy isn't talking to me at work this morning as I apparently offended her last Friday when I was paralytic.  This afternoon I buy her a coffee and a packet of crisps and ask her what I did.  She says she can never tell me as I would be too embarrassed. 

*

Start New Year celebrations with a pub crawl of town with Prockie and Joff.  We go to the Plough and Green Tree then up the Knight for the traditional seeing in of the New Year with Drovers crappy radio picking up Big Ben's chimes on a German radio station on long wave.

11/6/2008 - November 1983

I am in Drover's bad books having tripped over and broken the Boomstones table.

*

We plan to get the nine PM bus to Benson and do a pub crawl but after a fifteen minute wait we conclude there is no nine o'clock bus to Benson so we have a night out in Wally Town.

When the pubs shut we decide to watch videos at Perces and I volunteer to drive up there.  Laz and Bones do the usual childish prank of telling me I'm being followed by a copper except when i park outside Perce's a blue flashing light goes on and I relise it's no prank.

The policeman tells me his gran could park a car better than I did and asks where I'm going.  I pointg to Pereces house and he says if I leave the car here and walk home he'll let me off.  I could kiss him, (but wisely don't.)

*

Bones and I perform a marathon drinking session which starts at one in The Knight and ends twelve hours later with us walking home from Rivers and me smacking Bones in the mouth.  Though I can't remember why.

*

Have this week off so go to Abingdon Olde Gaol with Perce ands Bones and play snooker. Have a cheeseburger at the Abingdon snack bar then stack the car with beer from Key Markets and watch videos at Perce's house.

*

I have a fifteen frame pool challange with Bones at The Farmers Man but he wins after the tenth frame (8-2) and one of my frames was due to me cheating when he went for a piss.

Go back to my house and play darts whilst listening to Revolver turned up loud.

*

Had planned a trip to Reading but it's frosty and my Viva has bald tyres so we have a few games of pool in the Red Lion before going to the Knight then back to Bones's for Monopoly.

Walking back to my house from Bones's I stroll into the Knight car park to copllect my car and discover it isn't there.  At first I think ikt's been nicked but it turns out I evidently had driven back tom Bones's but been too pissed to remember.

*

Perce takes a day off and joins Bones and me in the Knight.  When Drover chucks us out at closing time we have a whole world of adventure to discover so we go back to Bones's and play Scalextric.

*

Before he went on holiday Laz arranged a match against The Castle.  No one is surprised when they don't turn up and when we phone the pub they say the team disbanded a month ago.

Go for a Tandoori with Perce, Bones and Hammy tonight.  I try lime pickle for the first time.

11/6/2008 - October 1983

I drive the lads to Fingles and somehow get chatting to Christine, a hotel receptionist from Witney who is stunning.  I buy her a pernod and lemonade and we chat forn ages until she goes to the ladies and I assume that's the last I've seen of her but when In the slowies come on she comes and finds me!!

Each record she says she likes more than the last and we clench a little tighter and I'm just thinking, wow, she is fantastic.  Eventually I try to snog her but she tilts her head away and smiles and brushes my spine by way of consolation.  I know tonight is the last I'll ever see of Christine but she makes my evening.

*

After narrowly blosing 3-2 to the Labour Club I lose my car keys and Johnny G has to dismantle the steering coloumn and hot wire the car.  I'm a bit embarrassed when  the keys turn up in my back pocket.

*

Jess is getting married but I can't find the tyraditional stainless steel gravy boat so he'll have to make do with a milk jug.

With wedding in the air Dave says the marriage license should be renewable every year like a car license.  John comments that Dave's would have a few endorsements on it by now.

*

If a bit of work is tricky or takes a long time we call it Grot.  The worst crime one can committ is putting back a piece of grot but someone has done this.

Fingers of guilt are being pointed in all directions.  Karen B accuses me, Gail accuses Mand and Mand tells Gail she hates her.  I refuse to accuse anyone as it is wrong to blame someone without solid proof, (though I know it was Karen B.)

*

Johnny G cons us into buying tickets for Brightwell Cricket Club disco at the Kingfisher where the DJ plays crap like the Shadows and Quo.  So we get pissed.

*

Laz recommends Brightwell Red Lion as there is meant to be a decent scrap tonight.  About twenty weedy lads from East Hagbourne turn up, have a look around and go.

We move on to Harwell and have a couple in the Kicking Donkey and then to the Crispin.  In the Crispin we discover the twenty weedy lads from East bHagbourne who recognise us from the Red Lion and now don't look so weedy.  We have a quick drink and leg it.

*

I have the day off to watch the snooker. Cliff Thorburn is burying some Australian nobody when I'm told the snooker is to be replaced by coverage of the emergency commons debate on the American invasion of Grenada.  What is there to debate?   It's already happend.

*

I have the esteemed honour of playing in goal for Wally Utd reserves and I let in five.  They are delighted as the regular keeper usually lets in eleven.

*

We beat Halbury Park 3-2 with Johnny Simmo getting two and Perce one.

Laz is subbed at half time and volunteers to ref the second half.  He goes for his half time shit so we start the second half without him and when he orders a re-start we all ignore him.

*

11/6/2008 - September 1983

Rob D has come down from Sheffield for the week and is staying at our house.  We go to Reading to watch The Meaning Of Life and have a McDonalds.  No waitress service, no plates or cutlery, just a cheeseburger in a paper bag and skinny little chips they call "French Fries".  And the tables and chairs are bolted to the floor.

*

Laz, Perce and me have the day off of our crap jobs and, with Rob, go to The Farmers in Benson where we play pool and drink beer all afternoon.  This is reminiscent of our O level study leave which is probably why we have crap jobs.

*

Laz is twenty so him, me, Perce, Rob, Vinkie, Hammy and Bondie go for a meal at The Berwick.  It's very nice but a bit bloody dear.

*

Bones is over from Newbury for the weekend as is soon bragging to Rob how he has the best life of us all:  He has his own caravan, an affair with a married woman and a £200 overdraft.

*

I somehow am left in charge of Robs kids for ten miutes and Nicky chooses the moment to put a Smarties lid in her mouth.  I tell her "open wide" and try to retrieve it and as my fingers go in she bites me.  Why is this child always biting me?

*

The Plough are selling promtional beer for 40p a pint so we spend the night there.  We also get a free round off the new barman who is none other than our old mate Wellsie.

*

I have started weight training again even though it's 85p.

*

I hve lost three quid at work and I'm £30 overdrawn so I don't think I'll be able to afford a new car or a holiday in Spain next year.

*

Mum and dad are touring the coastline of Southern England in a mini bus which is great as it gives me a week of solitude.

I am settling in for the England Denmark game when there is a knock at the door and Laz and Perce invite themselves in with arms full of cans.  Then Rob (brother) turns up with no cans.

The game is abysmal and England lose 1-0.

*

In Littlemore between the sewage farm and the funny farm there is Minstry Farm Country Club and Disco.  The bouncer is reluctant to let us in but we say we've travelled in from Wallingford and he takes pity, (that we're from Wallingford.)

I have my eye on a couple of girls but lose my bottle.  Bones gets turned down for a dance which cheers us all up.

*

I'm in the Cross Keys with Rob and dad when a man asks old Joe if he has a pay phone.  Joe wanders out the back and comes back with an Oxford Mail.

*

Annie has had her transfer request granted.  Although she is a sweet lady and we are now another person short, at least it means we can swear now.

*

Gail's boyfriend Richard has been done for drink driving so I have bought hi green vauxhall viva for £100.

10/6/2008 - August 1983

Sue has left to me the Prudential welfare officer which is a shame because Sue's a good laugh but is great because her replacement is Mandy.  I am joyously happy!!

*

My plaster being removed is a great feeling until I get a whiff of the stink of it.

Tonight go to a disco at Habitat's canteen with Perce and Rob the prat. Most of the kids there are the sort of louts you see playing the video machine in the Chinese takeaway.  Also there is Gally from school.  Gally used to be skinny and ugly but now he looks like a film star.  There's hope for us all.

*

Have to go to Greame's christening in Chatham.  We get there early so Rob and me take a wander to The Ordinary Fellow for a quick one.

Christenings are a hypocritical farce.  There are six noisy kids being Christened and none of them will be back in church 'till their wedding day.

*

I am making toast undedr the grill but forget about it and the grill wasn't cleaned from having chops last Friday so I manage to set the oven on fire.

*

I have a row with mum who is moaning because I borrow the car but never offer any money towards servicing and stuff.  I say I do offer but dad never accepts and mum says I should insist!

*

Laz drives us round a few pubs then we end up in Wally High Street for an Indian.  I have a  madras which is really hot.

*

We spend most of Sunday at The White Hart but when we run out of money we go tom the Knight to cash cheques.  Drover says he doesn't mind where we spend our money but he's a little more fussy where we spens his.

*

I'm having physio on my ankle and it's going well except the lady keeps calling me John.

*

I have my first training session and at the pub afterwards Vinkie says I'm not ready for a match because I was shite.  I tell him I'm recovering from a broken ankle whereas he's always shite. (Later apologise.)

*

Go with Michael to Highbury to see the first game of the season and Charlie Nicholas's debut.  Arsenal win 2-1 and Charlie is the new hero of the North Bank.

Tonight I go to a party in Benson with Laz, Bones and Boring Paul.  The party is full of kids so we go to Rivers, (Paul stays at the party to try and pull a fifteen year old.)  We get chatting to a couple of girls but Laz and Bones are getting on best with them so, Captain Oakes style, I walk out and go home.

*

Make my impressive return for the Norman Knight, only letting in four goals against Brightwell Red Lion.

10/6/2008 - July 1983

The weather is really hot which is fine except I'm hobbling aroung on crutches and my plaster is starting to whiff.  At work the girls keep spraying it with perfume so now I smell like a nancy-boy.

*

Go to The Berks to have my plaster removed but they say it has to be replaced by a new one. 

*

Laz has fallen in love with a girl who looks like Felicity Kendall. He doesn't know her name, just that she lives in Fleet so we have to drive to Fleet on the off chance of seeing her.  If this wasn't bad enough he plays Michael Jackson's Off The Wall album over and over on the journey.

We spend most of the evening in a cool pub called the Oatsheaf and have a bit of banter with the barmaids.  We have a Kentucky then drive home with no sighting of Felicity Kendall.

*

Mum and dad go to a Hindu wedding so after the lunchtime session I drag the boys back to watch the video I taped of Blackadder with Rowan Atkinson.

Mum is unimpressed with the Hindu wedding as there is no alcohol.

*

Clare is leaving for America and has her leaving do at Cheively and says I can bring my friends.  Perce spends all night moping because he's missing his new love, Pauline; Laz is just Laz and Bones calls Gail a whore because she wont dance with him and refuses a ciggy from Colin explaining he doesn't accept fags off poofs.

*

Karen W has her 22nd birthday party at thr Rio so we scrounge lifts up there so Laz and me can drink.

I get very pissed and end up snogging Karen and having a bit of a grope, (and ther'e a lot to grope.)

We start to walk home and Bones has the other Karen (large titted barmaid) in tow.  We're picked up by Westie who is pissed and slaloms home in and out of the white lines until Karen throws up.

*

Perce, Bones and me have the week off so we hit the Knight on Monday lunchtime.  We're joined by  Rob H who is a berk who used to gom out with Perce's girlfriend and who seems to have latched onto us.

*

I borrow the Saab and drive the boys to Bournemouth, (idiot Rob comnes too.)  Our favourite pub from'81, The Anchor, has been pulled down to make way for a conference hall.

Eventually we find a decent boozer, The Hop Inn and another, The Victoria then have a Wimpey before settling down on the beech. 

*

Mum and dad are away so after the pub shuts we have a chinky takeaway and watch dirty videos at my place.  I fall asleep during the whipping scene and am awakened some time later by Bones booting me, demanding I put it on again.  By now Perce has nicked my bed and Laz the spare so I have to kip with Bones on the sofa.

*

The Knight lose 4-0 to the Boot with Melve in goal in place of me.  You can't blame him for all four goals, only three are his fault.

Heroic performance of the day is me, running the line with my foot in plaster whilst Hammy shouts when to put the flag up.

*

9/6/2008 - June 1983

Our works 5 a side starts with two wins and a loss and I hurt my hand making a save during our 6-0 defeat to OS2A.

On the train home I bump into Martin A from school who is slightly off his rocker these days.

*

Have the day off due to bad hand and stroll down outpatients at Wally hospital.  A nice lady wraps it in a bandage and tells me to rest it for a week.  I could kiss her.

*

Laz drives to Dirty Nellys where we bump into Martin B.  He tells us that most weeks him Bill and Pete get invited to trendy house parties where they get stoned, smash up the house and fuck each others girl friends. 

Why aren't we doing this?

*

Decide my hand is okay to play in goal against The Castle.  I let in four but we score five so no one minds.

*

Laz reckons he's the next Sylvester Stallone so he visits the multi-gym at Abingdon Olde Gaol.  To make sure he isn't the weakest person there he drags me along.

*

We have been training with the Wallingford United chaps but they have had enough of us and make the Norman Knight players train seperately.  We play them in the game at the end and we do okay, though we have three extra players but two of them are Barry and Vinkie.)

*

I stick on my vote Labour sticker and spend the whole day trying to convince the fascists at work to do so but I'm wasting my time.

When I go to voter the people handing out ballot papers are wearing Tory and SDP stickers.  Surely this isn't allowed.  The Tory women sees my sticker and says I'll grow out of it.

The election is a disaster. I stay up till three to watch the results and we're stuck with Thatcher for another four years.  Tony Benn loses Bristol East.

*

We visit The Carnival Queen disco but there's no decent crumpet, (including the winner,) so we get pissed.

*

Tony is leaving so we go to Cavershams for a jolly up.  He says we can bring friends so I bring Laz and Perce.

I have a slow dance with Jackie then a more intamate one with her mate Jo ands things are going well and I'm being uncharacteristically smooth.  Then our eyes meet and remain met and I go to kiss her and she goes to kiss me and our bloody noses bump.  She giggles and when she stops giggling the record has finished so that's that.

*

In 5 a side we play two and lose two but I limp off early as my ankle is fucked.

*

I heroically hobble into work but I'm in agony and the girls insist I see the nurse.  The nurse books me  a taxi to The Royal Berks and after an x-ray they confirm my ankle is broken and has to be plastered.

*

Hop over the Bull Croft to watch the lads train.  Hadn't realised how pathetic we are.

After a lunchtime drink we set off for Woodcote to watch a celebrity cricket match with Terry Wogan, David Frost and Nicholas Parsons.

I feel very sorry for some bloke who we've never heard of who makes the mistake of catchinbg Wogan out.  No doubt he will never work again.

*

I'm waiting for Ian to pick me up when a sweet little old lady passes and asks how I hurt my leg.  I explain I did it playing football and she says: "You stupid boy!"

*

It occurs to me we haven't seen Struddie for two months and he owes me a fiver.

7/6/2008 - May 1983

On bank holiday Monday Laz and Bones are going to pick up Mrs F and Den from Heathrow and me and Perce decide to come along though some bright spark points out there won't be room for Mrs F and Den so we takle two cars.

I'm following Laz up the M4 when he pulls onto the emergency hard shoulder.  The emergency is Bones has lost his fags so the four of us scrabble about on the floor of Laz's Escort till Perce finds them on the road below.  Bones comments it was a good job we stopped there then.  He is on form today as he quips how daft it was building Windsor Castle so near an airport.

*

The day of our big date except I think Mandy is back with her David as she avoids me all day and the only conversation we have is about Building Society Acceptance Letters.  So I assume the date is off.

*

I have joined the pub Aunt sally team and tonight we beat the Plough, Sutton Courtney. This is despite Symesie and me both scoring nil, which is called a Blob.  Apparently if you score a Blob you get your name in The Oxford Mail.

*

Hammy has started us training mid week for the footy team but tonights clashes with the Aberdeen V Bayern cup winners cup final.  Laz says we should go training but there's only four of us there as everyone has stayed in to watch the foty, (including Hammy.)

After training we go to the pub.  The Aunt Sally team has lost which serves them right for dropping me for Perce.

Aberdeen win 2-1

 *

Go to Jenkins garage for the result of my MOT.  Johnny G tells me anything that moves is broken and anything that doesn't is rusted.  He gives me the number for Passeys scrap yard.

*

Laz drives us to London where we are staying with Bones's Uncle Len for the weekend.  Bones's cousin Russ joins us in the Midland for the evening before heading back to Lens and working through his drinks cabinet.

*

We meet Russ at The Midland at lunch time and he takes us on a tour of London's seedy holes.

We pub it until three when they close then go in search of a late drink.  The cheapest bar in Soho is two quid a pint so instead we go to a live peep show and then a porn cinema showing German sex films before heading back to Hendon.

Tonight we go to Hendon Scouts fancy dress (five quid and all you ncan eat and drink!)  Laz is dressed as Ghandi in robe and wellies and has quite a following on the way there.

The party is good and we take turns dancing with a  tasty little Italian girl so we're surprised when her husband comes to collect her at the end.

*

We leave Hendon at eight am and get to Appleford in time for the ten thirty kick off as we are playing The Carpenters Arms.  We lose 4-1

*

Go to work Saturday morning which is a pain but I earn £20.

I'm at the Knight by one and go back to Bones's after to watch the FA Cup final. Man U draw 2-2 with Brighton.  Have a Chinese takeaway at Bones's and go to the Knight once all the cans have been drunk.   When the pubs shut we buy carry outs and go back to Bone's where we drink till one am.  We congratulate ourselves on an epic twelve hour drinking spree.

*

We have got into the habit of going to the White Hart in Benson on Sunday evenings with Hammy, Ronnie and Johnny G.  They have live entertainment which is two blokes and a tape recorder.

*

We have been offered a pathetic pay rise of 5% so we have started industrial action.  It's great, we don't touch work that comes in after 10 am and we're not allowed to answer phone calls.  The only scab is Clare who is a bit of a Tory.

*

Go with Laz, Perce, Bones and Hammy to watch First Blood with Sylvester Stallone at the Regal.  It is well worth the £1 admission fee.

After the film we go to the pub. Drover has got a piano player in as it means he can stay open for an extra half hour.

*

I take the lads to Brightwell Red Lion and lo and behold, Karen the large titted barmaid turns up.  When I drive back Karen scrounges a lift and when we go into Bone's house for coffee Bones and her stay in dad's Saab and have sex.  After we've had coffee and they've had sex I have to drive her home!

How is this fair?

*

7/6/2008 - April 1983

My car has its MOT in a month and I'm worried.  It shakes above 30 mph, the hand brake doesn't work and a small orange light comes on every now and then and I don't know why.

It will probably cost a fortune and mum is threatening to increase my housekeeping because dad can't find a job.

*

The Norman Knighty march to their first victory with style, grace and elegance.  We beat the Bear at Morton 5-2 with Dave A getting a hat-trick.

The ref introduces a new deterrent for dissent when he threatensd to go home.

*

In the canteen Mandy asks me where I'm going to take her out and I joke I'll take her to the Norman Knight for a game of bar billiards.  She laughs.  I assume she was joking but now I'll never know.

*

Bones's cousin Russ is up from London and I am chauffer for the evening.  We go to the Six Bells, Dirty Nells, Bear and Ragged Staff, Seven Stars and The Barley Mow before ending up in The Taj Mahal over the road from my house.

Spend most of the night listening to Russ's jokes and Bones pissing himself at them.

After the curry Russ asks the waiter for take out booze but he says he can't because it's after mid night.  Russ gets threatening and we get our booze.

*

I have been sent on aletter writing course for two days.  I have never had to write a letter in all the time I've been at the Pru but I don't mind two days off the department.

*

Bloody hell.  Me and Mandy have arranged a date for next Tuesday and when I offer her a Hola Hoop she tells me to put it on her wedding ring finger.  I say when's the honeymoon and she winks and says next Tuesday!!

*

Mum throws a surprise 50th birthday party for dad at Robs house.

By midnight she is having a slanging match with the police who have been sent to quiten the party down.  I think Bones, Perce and Laz have been spiking her drinks.

When the police go me and Rob take her for a walk to calm her down but she insists on singing cockney songs and swearing at Robs neighbours.

The party finishes at 2.30 so we clear up the left over drink and take it to Bones's where we drink till 6 AM.

I wake up Sunday to see Laz has a black eye where I accidently butted him.  I slouch into the kitchen and find Bones lighting up and putting the kettle on.  He asks me what time we have to be at training.  I say half past ten and he replies that we've missed it then cos it's now one o'clock.

*

7/6/2008 - March 1983

Fluxie is the worst manager ever.  Dave has joined A division and is trying to change things for the better but we have to do it when Fluxie is at lunch or in the bog.  As yet he hasn't noticed.

*

The Norman Knight's second ever game is an 8-2 defeat against Brightwell Red Lion.  Best goal is right back Barry's beautifully placed shot, (into his own net.)

*

Drive to work but break down on Wally Bridge and hold up the morning traffic 'till some blokes push me off.

*

Go to a disco at Crowmarsh Village Hall and afterwards we help out a lad who has been beaten up by skinheads.  We put him in a taxi then decide to share it if he's paying.

*

Mum loses her specs and accuses me and dad of hiding them.  When she finds them she studies a map of the London Underground and says she can't find the Northern Line.

"Prehaps me and dad have hidden it." I retort.

*

Decide to try Cavershams night club but you have to be twenty one.  The lads make me go first and when the bouncer asks what year I was born I freeze and tell him I forgot.  So we go to Top Rank instead.

*

I have bought a K reg orange Austin 1300 for £150 which is a bargain.

*

I can't turn the ignition off of my new car even when the key is out so I have to disconnect the battery every time I leave the car.

*

It has cost me £81 to fix my car.

*

Annie at work is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it's Thatcher's fault.  She lowers interest rates so everyone decides to buy a house and get their mortgages and need their endowments to go with them so we are snowed under with work and Annie is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

*

My bloody car wont start and dad has to buy some switch which costs £12.

I take the lads out in my wheels.  We go to Seven Stars at Boldens and the lads are very impressed when I overtake a tow truck though they are very amused that it is towing an Austin 1300.

*

Norman Knight suffers a third defeat in three games losing 4-2 to Habitat.  We are disadvantaged by an afternoon kick off as the whole team have spent lunchtime in the pub.  Micky S reckons four pints and two double rums sharpen his reflexes.

*

Drive to Southend to see nan and granddad.  It takes me four hours but one of them is spent driving around London looking for the North Circular.

*

Go to the Cross Keys with mum and dad.  There are a load of nuclear disarmers on their way to Aldermaston to hold hands with other nuclear disarmers.  I agree with nuclear disarming but these people are twats.

*

Hammy is in charge of our football team and is making us do training on Sunday mornings. Still, should help get fit.

*I drive to the Knight for a quick bank holiday beer but there is an extension so I decide to leave the car and have a few more beers.  After a few more beers I decide I am fully capable of driving so do.  Perce is responsible and tries to stop me 'till he sees it's raining and is happy for a lift home.

*

Work is getting worse, Annie has to stay till 7.30 to clear her desk and Tony bhas been loaned to H division as they're in a worse mess.  I drive in early and plan to stay late to clear things up.  Fluxie sets a grand example by fucking off to Ascot races for the afternoon.

*

The Knight lose 8-2 to Brightwell Red Lion.  Barry, our right back, admits to only having one eye.

*

Drive Bones to Reading station. We both agree we are pissed off with our jobs and Bones suggests I carry on driving to the coast and we get jobs as deck chair attendants. 

But I don't.

*

7/6/2008 - February 1983

TV AM is ITVs breakfast TV show launched to rival BBC'd Breakfast Time.  I'm not really bothered about either as there are only five minutes u=in the morning between me getting up and leaving for work.

*

Tony and me go to Cavershams in order to pull a women each.  After a couple of hopeless attempts Tony spots a couple of crackers when the slowies come on.  I say they're out of our league but he says I've got no bottle so we ask them to dance and they say okay.

I dance with Selina who is gorgeous and is the nicest girl I've ever met in a night club.  Tony's is called Jackie would you believe!

We steal a kiss when it's time to go and they say they'll see us here again some time.

Kip the night at Tony's

*

Shock news on the back page of the Sunday People... Leeds fans haven't rioted this week!

*

Davina at work owes Sue 10p and throws it at her as I happen to stroll past and it hits me on the head.  Everyone except me thinks this is hilarious.

*

Sandy at work asks me a question and I shake my head to say no but forget I have a beaker of coffee in my mouth so spill it everywhere.

Also I dodge back to avoid being hit by Clare and tred on Davina.  They have re-named me Disaster Area.

*

Go to the pub and score 70,000 on the bloody machine then have an arguement with Drover about unilateral nuclear disarmourment.

*

Mandy and me agree to buy each other Valentines cards so she can make her Davis jealous and I can show off to the lads.  Except I forget.

*

Perce, Bones and me get the 10 am bus to Victoria so we're in London for opening time.

We visit many pubs in the nations capital then Bones insists we visit live peep shows in Soho.

The peep shows aren't live they're crap and seedy.  We are shown into a private cubical where thirty seconds of porn is projected onto the back of the door and that's all you get for your 50p.

Eventually arrive at Bone's uncle Len's, have a fag and a cuppa and dinner then spend the evening in Len's local, The Midland.

*

Len takes us down the Load of Hay at lunchtime and we get a few down.

Tonight is the scouts valentines do at Hendon and we go with Den, Mrs F and Bones's aunties Meg and Ollie.  You get a plate of grub and all you can drink for a fiver and it's a bloody good do.

After the dance wqe go back to a complete stranger's house for beer and charades. You can't beat cockney hospitality.

*

Bones's uncle Ed has a strict rule that he must fit in ten pints at the Load of Hay of a Sunday lunchtime.  Then he drives us to Meg and Ollies for Sunday lunch.

Den drives us back to Wally and we're drinking in The Knight by seven.  Mum and dad are away so we go back to mine and watch The Sting and other videos and when the beer runs out we open dad's home made elderberry wine.

When I go to change the video I accidentally switch to BBC1 and Breakfast Time is on and when I open the curtains I discover it is day and we have been drinking all night.

We have taken the day off as Laz is coming back.  We have breakfast in Parslows then meet Laz up the Knight for a lunchtime sesion.  We arrange to meet him there again tonight but the dick doesn't turn up.

*

The water workers have won their strike and get 11% pay rise.  Graceful in defeat Thatcher taunts them it will take a year to earn back what they lost whilst on strike.

*

Laz's mum and dad hold a surprise welcome home party at their house which must be hard as he lives there.  Perce, Bones and me roll up with Den and Mrs F and a bagfull of beer.  It's a pleasant evening of chat and charades (Laz's dad doing the Sound Of Music is painfully funny.)

At midnight they all wish me happy birthday and we leave at three.