Crisis of Faith

Posted on 12/11/2008 at 03:07 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I'm not having a good moment. This is just a short entry because I need to get something out of my system. I always tell things like this to a friend of mine, but he's got enough on his plate at the moment without my annoying whinging to go along with it. I think I've become a bad friend, a horrible one in fact. I've become paranoid that my closest friend is possibly having a 'thing' with the person I like. As I write this down, it sounds so insignificant and petty, and I can't explain it. But the thing is that she would probably never do something like that, I don't know if she'd even dream of it. My problem is that I'm starting to doubt her, and myself with it. This is not a good sign, but I'm sitting here and I'm terrified that she would, I cannot believe that I'd ever think this of her. What's wrong with me? And what if something was happening between them, should I care? I just don't know.

Updates

Posted on 17/10/2008 at 02:09 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Well my God has it been a while. I always knew that I'd never have the dedication to keep this blog up to date. But to be honest, what really happens in my life that is worth committing to the internet? I don't know. I've moved into my new house, been here for five weeks now. It's strange because it's nothing like living in halls, but I do still enjoy it. I thoroughly miss my little room 21J, it saw some good times. I changed so much in my first year, and I'd like to think I became a slightly better person. More mature at least, if not better. That might be a slightly too ambitious statement.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty low on funds at the moment. I can just about afford bread and cheese, but that's pretty much my limit. I've applied for at least 15 jobs now, and only one of them has even offered me an interview. To be honest I don't even think I could accept that job even if they offer it to me. I hate money, it's far too necessary. Other than being in my overdraft already, everything's actually going incredibly well at the moment. Uni is better than ever, and my course is just amazing. I'm studying Medieval, Early Modern and Medicine and Gender. At the moment I think that medicine and gender is the most interesting. Medical history has always fascinated me, and now more than ever. Looking at these developments in regards to gender makes it all the more absorbing.

And on that note, I should really get on with this presentation I'm writing. It's on Insanity and Women as Victims. I love it. Hopefully I'll be writing again soon.

A Design For Life

Posted on 27/6/2008 at 03:56 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

The title of this entry has no particular relevance to what I'm going to write, I don't think, it just happens to be the song I'm listening to right now. I do love the Manics, they've always been amazing, and I hope that they continue to be. And with such an incredible track record, how could they not be?

Anyhow, as ever, I've left it a ridiculously long time since my last entry, but I've been busy packing up my life from the last nine months and moving back home for the summer. It was honestly one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to do, my room at uni was my home, and where I became such a different person, that it was extremely hard to leave it looking all sad and empty. It's alright though, because someone else will be living there from September, and I'm sure that it'll be just as good for them as it was for me. I have to say, though, that it's very strange being home. I'm enjoying it at the moment because Wimbledon is on, which is pretty much the only sporting event that I show any interest in, and I'm loving it. Fingers crossed for another Federer/Nadal final, I love watching those two play. As much as I'd like to see Nadal win, however, it would be incredible to see Federer beat the record and get his 6th (I think?) Wimbledon title in a row.

What else is new? Very little really. I went to see Radiohead in London on Tuesday, and my God were they amazing. They played for the fans that know them well, and I was pretty much speechless my the end of it. Catching the tube back to my friend's place was eventful, lots of Radiohead fans piling into very small underground spaces, not my idea of fun, I have to say. Once we got back on the Northern Line it was alright though, I do love London sometimes, for short periods of time at least.

Wow, Federer is actually killing in this match, I don't think Gicquel stands much of a chance at the moment. You never know though, lots of the seeded players have been absolutely mauled so far this year, perhaps it could happen to Federer. Let's hope not, he plays good tennis, makes for good watching.

I go to Ireland for two weeks on Sunday, I cannot wait. Dublin is one of my favourite cities in the entire world, and I am more than excited to see more of the country, especially Galway.  And once I'm back, it won't be a whole lot longer before I can go back to uni.

Wanderings

Posted on 27/5/2008 at 05:04 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I’m writing this in advance, probably won’t post it until I resurface later today.  I just walked to the lake on campus, I can see it from my window and it’s so beautiful, and what better time to go there than half 4 in the morning? I love the lake, I go down there most days, sometimes just to sit and read. Today though, it looked amazing despite the rain that’s been coming down all night, and so I decided to go for a walk.

It was the most bizarre feeling though, no one was around and I could have just carried on walking into the lake and no one would have seen me again. I wouldn’t dream of it though, I adore my life, my university, my friends and everything that I have. It was just strange, you know? How easy it could be to carry on walking those few extra steps. Kind of frightening, the control that you can have on that sort of thing, I didn’t like it much. Enough of that though, I’m not being morbid, just pondering I suppose. This is what happens when you stay awake until at least 5am for 4 days running. I think I’ve had 12 hours sleep in total during those days.

Finished my exams on Friday, and I’ve had the best time since then. I go out most nights, or stay in and watch a film with my girls. It’s been so much fun, and I absolutely love it. Tonight, we went to a tiny club that was completely rammed because it was the only place open on a bank holiday Monday. It was so much fun, they played the best music all night and I can’t for the life of me fathom why we didn’t go there before. Came home at around 2:30, earlier than I’d have liked I suppose, and I’ve been up since then. I’ve watched daylight happen, and the rabbits and ducks have all come out of hiding for the night, lights are coming on all over campus and it’s stunning out here. I love this life that’s happening everywhere, with so many people on campus and everything. It’s an awesome place.

I think I’ve decided to try and stay up all night. I don’t think I’ll manage it. Actually, maybe I have, it’s light...so I suppose it counts. Some crazy people even wake up at this time voluntarily. How insane of them. Maybe I should go to bed, the lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me, and I have things to do tomorrow.

As ever, thanks for reading.

Perfect

Posted on 11/5/2008 at 11:05 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

So I officially love today, it's been utterly beautiful and I've spent a long time just doing very little. Went for a walk around the lake with my girls, and I've never seen campus look so amazing. Everyone came out because the sun was shining, and there were people playing football, volleyball and just about anything else... I loved it. We walked to the Tesco up the road, and came back the long way so we could enjoy the sun even more, before coming back here and watching the Notebook (again) in my room. It's just been the most relaxing and utterly carefree day I've had in a very long time, and with no revision to be worrying about!

I had my first ever university exam on friday and it was absolutely terrifying, it really was. I have no idea how it went, though I'm not sure that it was particularly successful, but it's over for now, so I can relax before I get revising for my next exam, a week on friday, It's nice to read something other than history books, I have to say! Currently reading Joyce's 'Dubliners', though I recently bought a copy of Ulysses, which I genuinely can't wait to get going on. I'm going back to Dublin in the summer, and I really want to have it read by then. Dublin is so, so beautiful. If anyone reading this hasn't been, then you should go. Just pack a bag and get on a plane, train, ferry. It doesn't matter, but that place is incredible and no one should miss out on the incredible. Yes, there are a lot of stag and hen nights in Temple Bar etc, but go to Trinity, or Kilmainham Gaol and you'll see what that it's really about. The Post Office, still bearing the scars of the Easter Uprising in 1916 is just something else. It's the final stop on my 2 week journey and I'll be there two months today, cannot wait. It's my spiritual home, I feel complete there - ridiculous as it may sound.

Little else to say today really. But really, go to Dublin...

Drifting...

Posted on 3/5/2008 at 05:58 - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I seem to be drifting slightly from my friends at home at the moment, it's for no real reason I suppose, simply because I don't see them every day like I used to. The biggest change I suppose has come with one friend, who I used to be closer to than anyone else. Unfortunately, she's moved to London and upon seeing her for the first time since November, I realised that she isn't the same girl that I used to know. Now, she's into drugs and all night raves and looking down upon anything that other people do. I have no objection to drug use, as long as it's moderate, but I don't see the point in boasting about it, as she proceeded to do for the rest of the night. It made me feel inadequate because I didn't have similar stories to relay, until I realised that I'm having the time of my life at uni, and I don't need drugs to do that. Yes, I drink, but so do we all. I enjoy it, and I'm not an idiot about it. My friends here are always laughing and having fun, and that makes me happy, and I don't need people in my life that are going to make me feel otherwise.

Now that I've finished with that rant, apologies for it being there in the first place, I have worryingly little to write about. I recently chose the units that I want to study next year, including Medieval Europe, Early Modern England, Medicine and Gender, The Holocaust and Latin. I'm really looking forward to the latin unit actually, it's not like anything I've studied before and should help me on the way to the Masters course in Medieval history that I'm aiming for at the end of this degree.

But enough history talk! You can tell that there's worryingly little else going on in my life at the moment...how tragic. I'm currently taking part in 'Fast for Justice', run by the Jubilee Debt Campaign, which is working to cancel world debt. However, due to being in the middle of my exam period, I decided to simply give up a few regulars in my diet, as opposed to fasting for a day or two. So, I've given up meat, alcohol and chocolate for the next week. My intention is to take part in the fast fully once I've completed my exams, though, when I don't have to work solidly for days on end. The Jubilee Debt Campaign is well worth being a part of though, I heard about it when I was at Glastonbury Festival last year, and I have to say, I like being a part of something like it. It takes next to no effort to take part in any number of ways. It's good!

It's been the most beautiful day today, but I've been stuck inside for most of it doing this bloody essay. It's my own fault though, I could have done it absolutely ages ago, and instead I'm watching Doctor Who, but I can't resist it, God knows why.

I think I'd better sign off now, not really saying anything of great importance, just blogging for the sake of it really.

Because I've been a bit useless..

Posted on 1/5/2008 at 06:18 - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I'm totally giving up on the way I was writing before, I'm just way too lazy to think everything through. I've read through a few other blogs and they seem to flow better when people are just writing what comes into their heads. I mean, the history crap I was writing a while back was obviously on my mind, because I was writing that helling essay (which I got a 61 in, not too bad for one of the worst things I've ever written..) and when I'm essaying all I think about for a good few days is the subject that I'm writing about. But aside from that, little else goes on up here.

So yeah, what's new with me? Not much, I'm back at uni after 4 weeks at home. Well, I've been here for about 3 weeks now, but that's not the point. I'm just way behind with my blogging. I'm currently pining like a lovesick teenager over someone back home. He's the most incredible man I've ever met, and it is just the least helpful thing that he lives way back West when I'm here in the East. I know it's not that far, England is quite small, but it's enough. There's little I can say about him really, but I do miss him far more than I possibly should, considering that nothing has ever actually happened between us, we're friends. Ah well, who wants to read about that anyway? I know I don't.

I've re-developed a fascination with New York City, I've been there once and it was an amazing place. This renewed love, however, has tragically enough come from re-watching Sid & Nancy for the millionth time. I only watched it in the first place when I discovered 70s punk and The Clash led me to the Sex Pistols before I branched out  into other realms. I still wholeheartedly believe that The Clash are the greatest band to have ever lived, but  hey, that's just me. But back to the film. For me, it shows the perfect sequence of events, following the exact path that I'd like to believe that they followed. Before Nancy, Sid Vicious was just a drunken youth, who was not on heroin and only interested in having fun with his life, having recently joined a band. Then, Nancy comes along with drugs and sex and, of course, he falls for her and suddenly their lives become a complete train wreck. This rapidly falls apart, leading to his shambolic solo 'career' and culminates in Nancy effectively impaling herself upon his knife in a dingy room in the Chelsea Hotel. Personally, I would much prefer to believe that this woman corrupted him and ruined him, eventually killing herself accidentally in a drug fuelled haze, than I would that he was going to follow that path anyway. But who knows? I'm sure that he was in love with her, but it still upsets me that a man died of a heroin overdose at the age of 21, after having such opportunity thrown at his feet. Perhaps I'm being somewhat delusional, it's quite possible, I have romantic tendencies, as much as I hate to admit it.

When in New York, though, I went to the same Chelsea Hotel and just stood in the lobby, it was strange. I don't really know what I expected from the experience, perhaps to feel some essence of the tragedy that occured there, and I know that I felt something. I just don't quite know what. My dad took a photo of me standing there, looking at the paintings on the walls, I can see no expression on my face in the photo that can give me any indication of my thoughts. I find this strange also. I think it seemed most bizarre that I was standing in the very place that they carried her body through, and took Sid through to get into the waiting police car. It didn't seem real, until that moment it had all been a story, a warning to stay off drugs and perhaps not trust blonde junkies from America. But that day everything became real, and it was less a story of good and bad, Nancy corrupted him and left him with a life in which she was vital, but just a sad story of two addicts that lived and died in the public eye. I'd like to go back one day, and maybe get a better feel for the place, see if my opinions have chaged at all.

Well that's enough about that I think, nice bit of morbidity for a Thursday afternoon, who doesn't want that? I haven't eaten anything today apart from one slive of toast, I'm beginning to feel some hunger pangs. I don't know what my problem's been. normally I eat like a horse during the day. I think it's mostly because I had to dash to a lecture before I had time for breakfast, and spent my assigned lunchbreak playing Spit with my flatmates. If you've never played it, I would recommend it. Best card game in the entire world, ever, We've played at every available moment for the last week pretty much. It's getting a bit tragic actually, but at least we're having fun! Exam stress is getting to everyone at the moment, and to be honest I really should be revising instead of sitting here and typing into the realms of cyber space, but I can't stop myself. I've read enough sources on the Black Death today to last me a lifetime. Which is a shame, because I have to write an essay on 4 of said sources by wednesday next week, before doing an exam in Themes in Modern History on the Friday. Sound like fun? I thought not. But it will all be ok, because I'll watch Heroes with my flatmate tonight, and then get back to work, cramming my mind full of information on how earthquakes and women corrupted the air and created the Plague. Oh yes, you read correctly...

And on that note, I should probably go and eat something. Thanks for reading.

Childish Dreaming

Posted on 26/3/2008 at 06:01 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

So it's been quite a long time since I last posted, I should have known that I wouldn't be able to keep this up. Ah well, it shouldn't be a chore, right?

Went to see Kid Harpoon a good few weeks ago now, and my god was it amazing. This man is an absolute hero, I don't know what I did with my life before I discovered him, I really don't. A tiny, sweaty, and intimate Cambridge venue was the perfect setting for the gig, where my friend and I danced our way through the set at the front. It was fantastic, he didn't play for long but it was the quality that I loved. Thanks to my brother, as I was oddly nervous, we met him afterwards and he was awesome. Signed my wristband, said he used to go to my university...had a bit of a chat and then I thanked him and went on my way. A good night was had by all.

Little else has happened in my recent weeks. I'm back at home from uni, loving the West Country like never before, we have more hills here than at my uni, much prettier. I'm writing more essays, doing revision and seeing my old friends. It's been good.

The Small Print

Posted on 2/3/2008 at 11:46 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I wrote a letter to a friend the other night. There was something oddly enjoyable about it, I'm not entirely certain why. I miss writing letters though, in my younger years I would weekly put pen to paper so as to stay in touch with a friend I moved away from at the age of 8. We continued to keep in touch via the good old postal system until we discovered the delights of email in our early teens. I have to say, it was much more personal and enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, I love the internet and email. I mean, would I be writing a blog otherwise? But there's something so nice about receiving post that isn't a bank statement informing me of the further depletion of my student budget. Since moving to university, I've written once to another friend, who's now studying in Paris, and yet we email almost daily. She wrote to me in the first few weeks here, and her card oddly coincided with my unceremonious dumping by a boyfriend, it was nice to get something from her. Makes it so much more special. And so, the other night, when attempting to provide a very dear friend with some (frankly useless) advice via the method of facebook, I decided to write to him by hand. Who knows why? But we should write more, something physical in a world where everything can be stored on a computer. Something which is becoming more unusual for the younger generations.

In other news, very little has happened this week. I visited my brother in Cambridge and ate my first decent meal in a few months (funded by my father). Ah, the life of a stereotypical student. I'm such a cliche. Though I recently finished reading a book written by a friend of mine. It struck a cord, he was 18 when he wrote it I believe, what an achievement. He's since written three more, and I have to say, I cannot believe how talented he is. Perhaps I'm biased though, he is a friend.

No 'thought provoking' questions from me today I'm afraid. My brain isn't on form today.

House of Cards

Posted on 25/2/2008 at 06:52 - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I'm going to see Radiohead in London in a few months, love that band. Following up on all of their other achievements could have been difficult, but Radiohead triumphed again, and In Rainbows was simply stunning. Finally seeing them live is going to be one of the highlights of my life to date, and seeing Thom Yorke in the flesh? I doubt that it will ever be paralleled. Actually, scratch that. Matt Bellamy, of Muse fame, is on a par with Thom Yorke, I love the man. In fact, I love Muse in general. And here end my music-themed ponderings for today.

I've been thinking today about history in its essence. Namely the eternal question of 'what is history'? Is it simply an interpretation, which can be manipulated to suit whoever writes? Or is it something more objective, and accurate account of events? Also, how far can the past be used to explain the present? It's common to look at events today and try to understand them by looking at similar themes throughout history. Is this a valid way to look at events?

Orwell wrote that whoever owns the present owns the past. To me, this seems like an entirely valid point. Though history is supposedly becoming increasingly objective, in previous years this was certainly not the case. Many regimes worldwide have seen the eradication of undesirable information to be left out of the history books, and this has occurred in totalitarian regimes and even those that appear more liberal. Indeed, is information that is kept out of the news recorded for future generations?

Post modernist historians have argued that the past is simply an image of modern day commodities, and that we ourselves are nothing more than an image of consumer goods. Some historians in this school of thought look no further than the facade presented by history, believing that this tells us all that we need to know about the status quo. Does commercialism really dictate our past and present?

Aeroplanes and Neon Lights

Posted on 24/2/2008 at 05:16 - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I've never blogged before, let's clear that one up right now. My distinct lack of blogging experience will theoretically put me at a relative disadvantage, at least until I find my feet. I'm not entirely sure what I aim to achieve with this little corner of the web, maybe it's just some kind of experiment that I've subconsciously concocted out of the crippling boredom that engulfs my Sunday afternoons. Who knows? Perhaps we'll find out.

So, just a little about me. I'm a student, a first year. All bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to face the world. Well, once I've got my degree anyway. I study history, and I'm a self-confessed history bean. I adore it, and no, I'm not ashamed! I could have done a 'cooler' degree, I'm sure. The drama kids, for example, are permanently riding the crest of cool, but I don't know, the past has always fascinated me, and I can't imagine studying anything else.

Assuming that my attention span will cope with a sustained project, there's a high chance that I'll spend a lot of my time talking about music here. My theme for today is Kid Harpoon. If you haven't listened to him yet, give it a try. I find it difficult to describe his 'style', for want of a better word, since he means something to me which completely differs from the manner in which he affects my friend. I first came across him in the NME, crushed unceremoniously into a corner of one of their judgemental and authoritative pages. Yet this was not what caught my eye. Instead, it took a live performance when supporting (the frankly incredible) We are Scientists at the Norwich Waterfront for me to sit up and take notice. He sung angrily of one man's unfaithful girlfriend in 'Death of a Rose' and in the next breath flung 'Milkmaid' in all it's beauty at the captivated crowd. Now, as far as I'm concerned, if a support act can grasp the attention of a crowd as effectively as this man was able to, they already deserve some kind of medal. It's not easy, and I for one came from the gig thinking not of the freezing November rain, nor even We are Scientists (who I adore), but of Kid Harpoon. I don't know how the rest of the crowd felt, but my friends and I certainly all came away as converts to this one man's words. I eagerly await March 5th, when I'll get to see him playing in Cambridge, seriously, he's a legend in the making.

On an entirely different note, I started writing an essay today. 2,500 words on the importance of terror to the Nazi and Soviet regimes. Now, we all know that terror featured pretty highly in both of these regimes, indeed, it's one of the reasons that the names of Stalin and Hitler remain so firmly imprinted in the minds of so many. What I tend to struggle with is the evaluation of these men. Should it be possible to regard the Holocaust with cold objectivity so as to achieve a more valid piece of history? Or should we all write in a more subjective manner, condemning both men for their numerous faults and completely disregarding the improvements that may have been made to their respective countries? Now, please don't get me wrong. No acceptance for the horrors committed in Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia should ever be given. I simply wonder if these events should ever be looked at from an entirely objective stance, or if this is even possible. Surely everyone has an opinion on the subject? If I find my answer then I'll do my best to share it here.

But until then, I think that it's about time that I commit this to cyberspace. Thanks for reading.